SOLVE YOUR CHILD’S PROBLEM SLEEP
Think of your child as a special flower in the garden. Remember the seeds given at the beginning of
the year. You have been given a special
seed that needs its own quantity of water, sun, and special soil
conditions. Every seed is different and
has different needs for amount and type of parent comfort. And that’s ok.
What do we know from current research?
High need children often do not schedule very well. They do not adapt well to sleep training or
separation from parents during the day or night. Consider your child’s personality and temperament.
Remember that two year olds still have limited memory and almost no
cognitive reasoning skills. Therefore, they have no means to “manipulate”
parents. Manipulation requires higher
level thinking skills out of the range for two year olds. When you are out of sight, you are pretty
well out of memory. They have no
concept of if, or when, you are coming back. Their cognitive ability is in the Sensorimotor stage which is limited to “here
and now” thinking. So, when you leave
them to cry at night, they may be left feeling abandoned, distressed, and
insecure. . Often, the child with a
limited memory “gives up” hope that comfort is coming, and resorts to self
coping techniques to offset the loss of the parent at night. They are left wondering what happened to Mom
who usually comes quickly during the daytime distress, but not the nightime
distress. And they don’t understand the
difference.
Many parents think that Ferberizing “works” in that the child stops
crying and goes to sleep. However, we
have to question the term “works”. The
plan works in that it enables parents to not have to get up at night and they
can get some sleep. It can be
successful for some children in shaping their behaviour, but at a cost to their
emotional wellbeing. Recent brain
research is telling us that children can have memories from experiences even
before language acquisition, which can show up residual problems later in
anxiety and stress. We also know that
sleep problems are never done once, and often sleep training has to be repeated
over and over due to typical upsets in sleep patterns: travel, teething, separation anxiety,
guests, illness, vaccinations, developmental milestones, and family
changes/stress.
The first three years of a child’s life are critical years for
developing attachment and trust with the parent. If a child is not responded to most of the time with comfort and
nurturing when they are sick, upset, or hurt, they can develop attachment
problems. This inconsistency can affect
how secure and anxious the child is during waking hours. They can become clingy and dependent. It’s what experts call an Insecure
Attachment, whereby the child receives nurturing at some time and not
others.
Recent advances in MRI’s (magnetic resonance imaging) done on small
children’s brains show that the stress hormone, Cortisol, impedes brain cell
connections. Therefore, it’s imperative
for parents not to leave the child in distress for extended periods of
time. New research shows that early
distress experiences by a pre-verbal child is retained and stored in the
Amygdala centre of the brain, which controls emotions, and may contribute to
later emotional problems such as anxiousness, low self esteem, and
insecurity. (Emotional Intelligence,
Dr. Daniel Goleman). It’s interesting to note that Dr. Ferber’s last book was
written in 1985 which is almost 20 years ago and does not reflect current
research. In addition, there is no
studies present that show a child will have emotional damage or long term bad
habits from sleeping with or in close proximity to parents.
Remember that when your child is ten, you are probably not going to
think, “ I wish I trained my child to sleep better.” You might think,” I wish I had more cuddle time with him.”
If you are meeting your child’s needs now for emotional closeness and
security, it will enable him to become secure, happy, and independent as he
grows older.
The situation can change in a few weeks or months. Your child’s developmental stage will be
different and things will get better on their own.
All children have insecure periods in their lives where they need more
closeness and comfort.
It’s not an either/or meeting of needs. How can you meet your sleep needs and his need for comfort and
closeness? See tip sheet on “Help, I’m
Tired”.
Most children that have slipped into the habit of being parented back
to sleep can develop self induced sleep habits by the time of their second year
molars, around 2.5 years. This could be longer for high need children.
Re-consider co-sleeping.
Cultures where children and parents sleep together, have almost no sleep
problems in children. In North America,
routine co-sleeping was common until the invention of central heating in the 18th
century, and since then, many children
do not respond well to night time separation.
Babies have not changed in their needs over the last 10,000 years of
evolution. Humans are the only mammals
that put their children to bed separate from them. You would never see a lion mother put her cub to sleep in a bush
10 feet away from her. Sleep practices
are very much influenced by culture.
·
For Family Beds, Co-Sleeping, or Leave things as they are and they
might change, method:
The Baby Book, Dr. Sears
The Family Bed, Tine Thevenin
Nighttime Parenting, Dr. Sears
·
For Graduated Sleep Plans, that
encourage parents to pick babies up, soothe, and try again:
The Sleep Book for Tired Parents, By Rebecca Huntley
The No-Cry Sleep Solution, By Elizabeth Pantley
·
For Parent Supported at various intervals, but some crying, sleep
plans:
Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems, Dr. Ferber
·
For Extinguishment – Let them cry for however long it takes, sleep
plans:
Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, Dr. Weissbluth
Babywise, Gary Ezzo
Copyright jarnall@shaw.ca 2005